India, The Enigma
When I came to Penn as a freshman, I noticed how few non-Indian alumni settled down in India after graduation. There was so much opportunity there, how could people not want to settle down in India after graduating? I thought the probability of success for the same amount of effort was so much higher. To give some context, the reason I felt so compelled that Americans (and other foreigners) should move to India was because I had spent many years in both countries. Though I’ll always be an Indian at heart, I was born in NYC, grew up in north New Jersey till I was 11, and then moved to Mumbai for middle and high school. Both countries felt so natural to me — I assumed there wasn’t much of a cultural issue at all.
I realized this assumption was mistaken after I came to Penn. I’d go home for every break and when I’d come back to Philly, my friends would ask me how home was. I could tell them about the movies I watched or the food I ate but as soon as the questions got deeper involving aspects such as how I felt or my interactions with family and friends, I always struggled. I realized that even though I was the same person, the way things work in India are so remarkably different that it’s almost impossible to explain the experience to someone who hasn’t felt it. That said, I think it’s important for people to know what India is really like, especially when thinking about where we want to be in the future. Having spent time in both countries, I thought I’d try to attempt one part of this difficult feat: explaining how the emphasis on relationships in India is different compared to that of the United States.
I want to be clear: though I hope this article is informative, it is by no means a comprehensive overview of this incredible country. At times, I may make what seem like broad generalizations but these are thoughts that I genuinely believe and try to back up with empirical evidence when possible. It’s also important to note that I’ve spent most of my life in Mumbai — some of conclusions drawn below may not be as relevant in other parts of India (think about evaluating the culture of San Francisco vs. Kansas City). That said, I hope my thoughts can serve as a starting point of a much deeper dive into learning and thinking about India.
Order to Share
From what I have seen, I believe that Indians put a much stronger emphasis on society (in this definition, anyone outside of your immediate family) than Americans. An extremely simple but illustrative example is how Indian food is typically served at restaurants. In Indian cuisine, courses are served to be shared. I can’t recall the last time I sat down at an Indian restaurant and ordered just for myself. This emphasis on society is deeply ingrained in everything we do, including in how we eat. This is both good and bad.
This focus on relationships means that as a society, Indians reward certain behaviors differently. For instance, we have two variations of the word smart: book smart and street smart. Book smart means that you are intelligent, educated, and well read. Street smart means that you know how to work relationships, avoid being manipulated, are assertive, and can handle tough situations. Of course both are important but I’d say in India, specifically northern India, people value being street smart over being book smart (and the opposite for the USA). The conditions are too tough and the relationships are just too central to the way things work in India that if you’re not street smart, then you’ll be taken advantage of.
An interesting example of this in action is looking at how I handled a poor customer experience at Dominos in the USA vs. in India. In the USA, the delivery driver took two hours to arrive even after we called Dominos checking in on the status of the order. We paid for the pizza and instead of arguing with the delivery guy, we simply emailed the Dominos HQ with a long and well-written explanation of what went wrong. They immediately offered us a free delivery on our next order. In India, I had a similar experience with a delayed delivery. Instead of contacting their headquarters (which I had failed at in the past), I decided to confront the driver as to why he was late. He said that there was traffic, even though it was late at night. He may have been telling the truth but that didn’t matter. I still pushed him on discounting the order and he did so. I felt bad at the time but I’ve found that if you don’t exhibit assertiveness in these types of interactions in India, then you’ll be left behind [1].
Atithi Devo Bhava
This emphasis on society and the resulting behavioral differences has had such a positive impact on my life and on Indian society in general. For instance, Indians seem to invest more time into their extended families. I, along with many of my friends, lived in the same house as my paternal grandparents when in India. Every morning at 7am, I would stop by my grandparents’ room to eat breakfast and say bye before leaving for school. We also had a nightly ritual where my brothers and I would sit with them for about 30 minutes before they went to sleep. Sometimes we would just watch a TV show together, sometimes we’d talk about how our days were, and sometimes we’d talk about their views on what it means to be successful, among other great conversations [2]. Regardless of what we spoke about, I felt like this atmosphere had a tremendous impact on my values. I learned that family isn’t just limited to your siblings and parents and that blood runs much deeper than you think.
This emphasis on society extends itself beyond the home as well. In India, we pride ourselves on hospitality. So much so that the tag line of the Ministry of Tourism reads “Atithi Devo Bhava” or “The guest is God.” Businesses have also come to adopt this dedication to hospitality: it’s no coincidence that Indian hotels almost exclusively differentiate themselves on service. The only reason traditional video rental locations still exist in the face of Netflix and other video streaming services is because the guy at my local video shop knows my name, what I like, and will even reserve movies in advance for me. I believe that this amazingly personal experience is something that even the best analytics won’t be able to replace. On a more personal level, I have literally offended a friend’s mom (who I call “aunty” because in Indian culture friends are like family) because I declined her offer to eat dinner before leaving. In India, there’s this unspoken respect and connection that we all have for one another, regardless of whether we are meeting for the first or the hundredth time.
Perception Obsession
That said, the extreme emphasis on society also has some alarming drawbacks. One of the biggest factors of an Indian’s psyche is how you are perceived by others. To a certain extent, this is important so that society can continue to function [3] but I believe many people worry way past this point. This perception obsession can be harmful and lead to all sorts of unhappiness and dogmatism. I have seen several examples of where people are so driven by perception that society’s definition of success becomes their definition of success. In fact, I think this happened to me when I applied to Penn as my top choice school. As I look back at my college list, it looks like I chose schools more based off of reputation than the actual fit. In hindsight, my decision to apply to Penn was driven in large part by the prospect of telling others that I went to Wharton. Though it worked out well, it could have had dangerous consequences if I felt like I didn’t enjoy the program at Penn.
This constant focus on perception continues to manifest itself in so many ways. The big wealth gap in India combined with this overemphasis on perception leads to a culture where the wealthy differentiate themselves from one another by wearing branded clothing, driving expensive cars, and living lavishly [4]. Perception can also come in between personal friendships. It isn’t between me and you anymore — it’s also about how others may perceive our relationship and how we talk about one another.
India, The Enigma
It seems to be a contradiction: in my eyes, India is such an amazing place because of how people treat each other yet this is what also drives its most unsettling downsides. There’s no way to isolate the two. At the end of the day, I have realized that India is full of these contradictions. It’s evident in how women are treated [5], how people can both love and hate, and how a plate of pani puri can be both sweet and spicy. Perhaps it’s fitting then that even though the negatives can sometimes seem to outweigh the positives, I still have this overwhelming drive to want to go back one day and inspire others to do the same. And explaining why still feels impossible. [6]
Thanks to Pranshu Maheshwari, Varshil Patel, Aly Kassim-Lakha, and Anmol Bhansali for reading and editing drafts of this.
[1] I continue to grapple with what the balance between being assertive and tough with being genuine and kind. In hindsight, these decisions seem easy to evaluate but in the moment, it requires some pretty good judgment.
[2] Once I asked my grandfather: “If the world continued to progress over the next 50 years similar to how he saw it progress over the past 50 years, what would it be like?” He answered “People will be living on Mars.”
[3] Caring about perception is critical, to a certain extent. Think about the guy who is an asshole to everyone around him because he doesn’t care what people think of him. No one wants to be him. And if everyone were him, then society wouldn’t function nearly as smoothly as it does today.
[4] Empirically I’ve seen this evident in Mumbai and Delhi. I’ve heard that this may not apply in other parts of India.
[5] I feel that at times, women are respected as the more important gender. They are seen as beautiful, pure, and motherly. Often times India is referred to as “Mother India” because we see our country with the love and respect of a real mother. Yet sometimes, Indian women can be treated with such disrespect. They can subjected to people who have no right to be in the workplace and can be referred to as “sweets lying by the roadside.” This has to change. We have to figure out solutions to tackle age old cultural traditions that put women at a disadvantage.
[6] Perhaps the only way to answer whether India is for you or not is to go visit. Not as a tourist but to actually live and work there. If this sounds like something you’d want to do but you don’t know where to start, please reach out and I would be happy to help however I can.